I believe that being a great author isn’t just about communicating well — it’s about having personal experience with what you’re writing about. That’s why I decided to share some of the things I’ve learned on my journey of searching for love and companionship — a desire that exists in most people. I say “most” because I know not everyone is interested in building or maintaining a lifelong relationship. But if you are, this book will give you a deep understanding of why some relationships just don’t work.

Let me start with a few lessons from my own experience.

Do You Love Me or Do You Love Love?

After being in a few relationships — some lasting two years, others only a few weeks — one thing I’ve come to understand is this: it’s not always easy to know if someone truly loves you or if they just love the idea of being in a relationship.

Some people are more in love with the relationship itself — the feeling of being wanted, the companionship, the idea of romance — than with the person they’re with. For people like that, it’s never really about you; it’s about fulfilling a desire, whether it’s to get married, feel loved, or just not be alone. These desires aren’t necessarily wrong — the problem is when someone uses another person’s emotions to satisfy them.

Before you start throwing stones, let me explain: human emotions can be tricky. We sometimes confuse what we think we want with what we want. Our desires are often shaped by the world around us — by what we see, what we hear, and what people expect of us.

For example, if you grew up in a home where older, heavyset men were seen as ideal husbands, you may naturally be drawn to men who fit that picture — not because you genuinely desire them, but because that image was planted in your mind. The same goes the other way. If thin, younger men were the ideal in your environment, your attraction may naturally follow suit. That’s why I say many of our “desires” are not original — they’re shaped by our environment.

Take the common belief that a man should be older than his wife. Sure, some biological factors might support that idea, but that belief is largely cultural. And when something is cultural, it means it’s been passed down, not necessarily right or wrong, just the way we’ve been taught to think.

So even when you think you just “like” someone, it’s often because your upbringing has conditioned you to. You’re not necessarily drawn to them as a person — you’re drawn to what they represent.

People Who Love the Idea, Not the Person

A lot of people have never really learned how to be genuinely interested in others. What they’re chasing is a fantasy — the perfect guy or the beautiful girl who sweeps them off their feet. But that idea is closer to fairytales than real life.

These people often meet someone who seems to fit the image they’ve created in their minds — and boom, they think they’re in love. But they’re not. They’re in love with the idea of being in love.

They may be loving and sweet while the relationship lasts, but the moment it ends, they block you, ghost you, or act like you never existed. They archive you like an old file. Why? Because the relationship, not you, was the goal.

When someone truly loves you, they don’t disappear from your life just because the relationship ends. Their interest is in you, not just in being with you. Someone who truly loves you might even step back if they believe someone else would be better for you. For them, love isn’t about possession — it’s about preservation.

That’s why when you genuinely love someone, you’ll want to protect them, even from yourself. Your body might desire sex, but your respect and value for them will make you wait. People who are only focused on your looks or sex don’t truly love you. They’re focused on what they can get, not what they can give. It’s all about: Can she give me good sex? Can he pay my bills? It’s about taking, not giving.

What Happens After the Breakup Tells You Everything

If you stopped caring about someone after the relationship ended, you probably didn’t really care in the first place. One way to know if someone genuinely loves you is to see how they treat you after a breakup.

That’s why I don’t define love by how someone makes you feel. I define love by the value and regard you place on everyone, not just the one person you’re dating.

Basing love on how someone treats just you is like trying to draw a graph with only one point; it’s not enough. You need multiple data points to see the real picture. If someone treats you well but treats others terribly, the way they treat others is the real them.

A man who gets into fights on the street can also beat his wife. A woman who’s rude to her friends will likely be disrespectful to her husband, too. In science, you don’t conclude just one result — you repeat the test over and over.

So instead of looking for someone who treats you well, look for someone who treats people well, consistently. Otherwise, you might just be an exception to their rule.

Love Isn’t Blind — Infatuation Is

Some people think, “Yes, I know he went to jail for domestic violence, but he would never hurt me.” That’s what desire does — it blinds you to red flags.

I don’t agree with the phrase “love is blind.” Love is not blind. Infatuation is blind. Passion is blind.

Real love sees clearly. It sees your flaws, your past, your broken pieces — and still chooses to value you. That’s love.

This is an excerpt from the book titled - Why Relationships don't work by Daniel Dazong